After this blog was written, I started a different blog.

This that you are reading, this is an old blog.
I have a newer blog.
Go HERE to read it.

...makes perfect?

I'm all kinds of purified these days and the feeling is scheduled to increase. I also didn't realize that writing in this blog was preparing me to write my company's blog. Excuse me for my absence. I have been expressing a lot through notebook writing and letters lately. It feels tremendous and I can say with all honesty that I never expect a response back. Swimming is replacing laziness in my life, all kinds of nice little habits are forming and I feel quite happy.

Social Studies.

Opps. Ignoring my blog lately.
Twitter and Facebook eating up all my time.

Thinking about the future taking up a lot of time too.

And all the rest divided up between a healthy set of guy friends.
Some reading out loud snuck in,
maybe a journal entry every few weeks.

Spread thin.
Pulled at from all sides in the best way.

Missing someone I don't even know.
Proud of someone I know pretty well.

A little sick
A little tired
A little grumpy

but on time!
and relevant!
and on task!

Hello.

Dear Shannon Masayo Martinez,
I don't try to ignore you.
I'm just never sure what to say.
Positivity overwhelms me,
it's the darkness in people that fascinates.
I can't help it.
I am used to being the light one.
And so please accept my apology.
I look at your blog often.
Babies are too precious for words.
Much love,
Laura

Game Over.

It's not as if one can just live waiting for people to get sick of them. Each time, I have this refreshed idea that if I am good to people in solid meaningful ways that they will stay, and each time I am again surprised at the bitter little cruelties that happen in the worst possible moments. I could cry out at the unfairness really, but the lack of willpower to fight for friendships might be my own lack of forgiveness showing through. I don't want you in my life if you will treat me so. Romantic interests take longer to get rid of, but friends drop like flies. And I wonder when I will learn my lesson, become selfish and vain, suck people into my orbit and then spit them out like I am my own sun instead of waiting around to be sucked in and spit out by other people as if I am some pleasant cosmic debris. There must be a way to keep the tension high, the game back and fourth, keep an air of respect about me. But I become too wide eyed and fascinated, willing to pay, willing to drive for miles, willing to be treated coldly then warmly then coldly again. I think the key is the refresh button, how badly I need to move every year, every couple of years. It's my roots I fear. And they are getting dry. I am too big for this pot. I have done all I can do for you, Salt Lake City. I gave you a sporting chance.

2 years old

Sometimes I get this inner repulsion and rage that I have to spend my time doing what I have to do. I don't want to call/write/pay up. I don't want to grocery shop. I am not in the mood to apologize. Leave it all on the back burner. Let me go home and read or get held or sleep or something.

You are what you eat.

"Diet coke? Are you there? Listen baby, I know we've been going strong for a while now, but I just can't do it any more. You've been my number one, ya know, for so long... as the sweet balance to my bites of salty food for years. We've been partners in crime you and me. We've enjoyed those hot summer days and those cold winter dinners. You've been the twinkle in my eye. I've rewarded myself with you, taken special trips to the grocery store for you, consumed you until you have almost consumed me, but it's over."

Gobbledygookgarbage.

I WANT WHAT YOU HAVE.
I WANT IT>
I HAVE HAD IT
I WANT IT BACK BUT DIFFERENT
I CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT IT
I I I
ME ME ME
GIMME GIMME

(I KNOW everything is different behind the curtain. I KNOW nothing is how it seems. I remain green.)

Isn't it?

A post on happiness.

Today I am thankful for how easy it was to fall asleep last night
and how easy it was to wake up this morning
and how early I was to work for no reason at all.

I am thankful for Pablo Neruda,
and the card game Egyptian Rat Screw
and for otter pops.

I am thankful for silly pictures
and things that go clockwise,
and how prevalent my favorite number is in my life.

I am thankful for suspense,
and hilarious text messaging
and calls from my grandmother to warn me about my landlord.

I am thankful for Star Trek,
and mustaches,
and things I never thought I would be thankful for.

I am thankful for half off sushi,
and non-dates,
and for cheap high heels that look expensive.

I am thankful for my song coming on the radio
and the weather turning around today
and the Subaru running well.

I'm thankful that Amy's teeth are going to be ok,
and that my golden headphones are on my desk beside me
and that I might get to see this one someone tonight.

I am thankful for no lunch plans
and for french print shirts with peonies
and no-nylons weather.

The Jabberwoky has me in its jaws.

I've been away too long
from the things I need most.
Flying about unbalanced.

Do I just use this blog to say things like this?
About how I am going to change
and become more true
to me?

Well give me a few days until my room is ready.
And I will begin to read and write.
This time I am
dead
serious.

Julio, Julio, Marcel, Ernest,
Take me back.
I will cement my feet to the floor
until I know you as well as I know my own hands.

This image has been following me around.

Triangle.

I like your house.
I like you in my house.
I love my new couch.
I like my fridge TURNED ON
and filled with things I LIKE.
I still need my room.
I still need some more simplicity.
I want to invite you over.
I want to inspire you.
I want to bike to your house
on a summer night.
I love my neighbors
who borrow DVDs and
fix my steps.
I want you as my neighbor,
shall we find you a place?
I want to send you postcards
no matter how close we live.
I want to bust out the art supplies
and spread them around on the floor.
We can trade off
listening to pandora stations.
I want to read to you.
I like the ways we joke
and your shining face.

This is to many people.
This post is for you.

They never get dirty.

Striped Socks.
That match my favorite sweater.
And sisterfeet.
We have connected brains.
And make the same decisions, independently.

Accepting No Cheap Imitations

These made me think of another necklace that currently hangs against a gray wall on a nail.

Tell me all about good luck charms, and I will bring up how many I have lost. A Christmas spoon on a long silver chain, a golden wishbone on a red chord, a little collection of special charms that I wore during my time abroad that I only just remembered looking at old photos the other day, and finally my large green ring that has gone missing since a certain hand-washing at a steak house in LA.

Jewelry is less of a permanent thing, more of a little signature that gets stamped on a certain period of time. The only exception being my mother's diamond earrings that I almost never take off.

No use crying over spilled milk, or over borrowed things that shall soon go back to their rightful places.

Hot Dog Helpless

After the normal Thursday night at Manhattan, Lillian would not stop talking about how badly she wanted a hot dog. There is a Maverick on the way to her house.

We joked at the counter about buying a hot dog on a credit card, then turned towards the doors and saw two people standing close to my car.

One was holding onto it for support, then began to fall down and was caught by the other in a half standing half crouching position. He looked like he was begging for forgiveness but his mouth wasn't moving, just open.

It was a man, 50+ with a baseball cap on and his pants falling down.

When I grabbed his arm to help, the woman who was already holding him said, Careful, he's drunk, and he has a shoulder injury. She sounded and smelled drunk too.

We tried, but couldn't get him to his feet, not even with both of us pulling upwards with all our might.

So in crouching position he stayed. (Not really being able to help, Lil stayed in the car, eating the hot dog. Helpless.)

The woman said, Hold on I'm going to call.....and I didn't hear what she said next, and she went over to the pay phone leaving me holding him up.

There I was in heels, one hand on his back, his right hand holding onto the first two fingers of my right hand (from my other two fingers hung my keys). He was shaking really badly and half of his butt was showing but he was in no place to pull up his pants, and he kept looking at me with confusion and fear.

He tried one last time to stand up, then landed hard on his butt, letting go of my hand. And it was raining, and the woman was talking loudly on the pay phone. There were three feet between him and my car. I looked at him and said out loud, I don't think there is much more I can do to help you.

So we drove away. And I felt all shaky too, kicked in the teeth by compassion and by his warm hand and by that "nothing else to be done" feeling. And by the cold. And all the self-pity I had been feeling melted away. And I held my dog for a long time when I got home. And I said a prayer that life wouldn't defeat me in the ways it defeats some people.

If You Feel Abstract, What is There to Say About it?

Art by Cy Twombly

A Selection From The Wasteland

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering	5
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,	10
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour. ... 'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago; 35 'They called me the hyacinth girl.' —Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden, Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither Living nor dead, and I knew nothing, 40 Looking into the heart of light, the silence. -T.S. Eliot

Back to Reality

Much deserved mini-vacation.

(Much needed shift in perspective.)

New business cards.

New energy in my house.

(Like a sleepover every night.)

Old ghosts roaming around MY city.

(Girl, I never want to see you again.)

Sentimental songs.

(I will over-listen the emotion out of you.)

Weightless shoulders.

And a big thanks to my boys for coming through.

Two pillars, and I am standing.

Grown up

Because the sun comes up earlier

it is easier to wake up.

I think of my Grandma Mary when I make my morning coffee.

Except I drink my coffee black these days.

She likes Hazelnut Coffee Mate.

But likes to tell anyone who will listen

about the evils of salt.

She wants to go to Africa.

The next time I visit I will try to make her

finally go and take me.

I don't care how many shots I have to get.

Lately:

I arrive on time.

I'm liking new friends and new music.

Oh and new hair, which was needed.

Must:

Read more.

Eat a banana to cure my twitchy eye. ew.

Man up at the doctor's today.

Keep working out.

Freedom Fries.

Ok, Ok, I miss NY too.

After the last post I saw this and remembered.

"Oh Darling, I've Been So Miserable!"

Something unfinished is gnawing at me.

Oh, and writing calls, and it's like an alarm that gets a little louder every day. I tried my darndest to move to France after graduation. Instead of finding a way come hell or high water I came home to the fetal position, to a little apartment full of books. Life could be worse. But while I am still young, mark my words. I will have a black bowler hat like Sabina, I will get into a cab and say the famous words of Lady Brett Ashley.

My Kingdom for a Sailboat

I just wanted to be out directly under that orange light.

I really dig those mini sunsets when the islands

look like floating mountains in the Great Salt Lake.

Today is Wednesday, which mean lunch date day.

And Salsa day.

Tenuous.

So many things I just want to

scream and rave about,

both good and bad,

want to talk and talk about

that I have to clamp my tongue

behind my teeth about.

examples:

The future.

The future.

Travel.

Feelings.

Secrets.

Friends.

YOU.

Work.

The future.

Nobody told me that the hardest thing

about being an adult is BALANCE.

Which requires PATIENCE.

And developing a sense of SUBTLETY.

You can't cook the meat right now,

you have to marinate it over night

while your hunger growls.

Delay gratification,

it's good for social maturity.

Don't ruin it.

Keep quiet.

Stay excited inside.

Dwelling

I'd like to live here please.

The room in the turret,

and I shall open the window

so that the tree flower breeze

can come and go as it pleases.

Wishful thinking.

I am going to stay where I live,

For longer than I planned,

For longer than my lease.

Give me month to month, and my sister.

Thee isn't much to do about the outside

of my humble apartment.

The step is missing a chunk of cement.

The door has an ordinary color.

The landlord doesn't mow the grass

nearly as often as he should.

But now that it will be Amy and me,

it is time to work on inner beauty,

a large laundry hamper,

a dog bed, and some strict rules

about dishes, and some painting,

redecorating, restructuring,

and a room move.

One car and one bike,

one dog and two girls,

two rooms and one coffee machine.

Simplification is what I hope for.

A working set of life systems.

A better quality,

and a room mate that I love

more than anyone ever.

White Noise

This is an art exhibit I saw at the Pickle Factory, and a picture a friend sent me from NY. i thought they would look nice together, kind of like a before and after.

I miss how much art one "happens upon" in New York. But maybe I should be thankful for the things that happen in Salt Lake too, like having coffee and having people outside of the Tower Theatre bring out a couch, a helmet, and a sign that says "FREE COUCH RIDES" and commence to wheel people around.

After deciding yesterday to deal with my cough, I am on a strict bronchitis-be-gone schedule of antibiotics, strong cough meds, etc.